Once again I have proven to be the visionary prognosticator.
In early September I published this incisive commentary predicting the newly-minted Lakers downfall rather than their rise to Championship status.
Lo and behold, these Lakers have not won a single game in the preseason.
As a public service, I am republishing my breakdown of why the Lakers may struggle rather than soar.
The Lakers made a big splash in free agency by signing Steve Nash, and then, put the cake under the icing with a four-team trade that landed Dwight Howard. On the surface, it seems as if they have a great deal of talent.
However, assuming this team is going to be successful is speculative and exhibits a complete lack of interest in reading between the lines.
So, I’ll read between them for you.
Steve Nash is Old and Canadian
Steve Nash has had his moments. I mean there was that MVP thing but hey, if Mark Cuban felt he needed to go there must have been a good reason, right? Look at the way he didn’t allow himself to get stuck with a bunch of brand new shiny champions! But I digress…
Cuban dissed Nash in his prime…what the heck do you think Nash is going to do when he’s pushing 40? Heck, if I wanted to see a 40-year old former Phoenix Sun play in L.A. I’d go see the Clippers! All that beer and back bacon is going to catch up with him any time now.
Canadians play hockey, not basketball. I know Toronto has a basketball team but how many of them are actually Canadian? That’s right NONE. You know why? Because they’re too smart to let any of those wacky Canucks on the team. They know better.
So anyway, you never know when he’s going to be in a nursing home and he probably won’t even last until the playoffs. Besides, he’s a hoser too, eh? Take off!
Kobe Bryant Incurs the Wrath of God
Kobe Bryant is getting old too but more importantly he is due to be hit by lightning early in the 2012-2013 season. He’s had his issues with the ladies; we all know that. Then he says Team USA can beat the Dream Team. Now he’s hanging out with some Thunder from Down Under. Karma. It’s really as simple as that.
Plus, Kobe’ played all summer and he won’t have time to rest up. Old bones creak a lot more and take longer to get up to speed after a good game of bridge at the retirement home.
While he’s waiting to be zapped from on high, Kobe might put together some decent games but he’s definitely on the downside.
And of course, he’s still probably going to retire. He said so. It could be any day now.
Pau Gasol Is Not Dirk Nowitzki
Pau Gasol may be good but he’s no Dirk Nowtizki. That’s all I have to say about that.
Oh, he’s no Marc Gasol either. That wouldn’t make him better but that’s beside the point.
Mainly he’s no Dirk Nowitzki.
Metta World Peace Has Gotten Soft
Metta World Peace is no Ron Artest. Well OK, maybe he kinda is but when people change their names to idealistic slogans it is a clear indication that they are going soft. Plus it’s bad karma—hey, just look at World B. Free. How many NBA championships did HE win?
I rest may case.
And for any of you triva nerds who might want to challenge me on that point, make sure you have all your facts straight.
Andrew Bynum Is Gone
You don’t just let go of one of the best centers in the league without consequences. What, the Lakers think that somehow they are going to land Dwight Howard? Yeah, the Mavericks tried that with Tyson Chandler! hahahaha!
The Dwightmare Is over Before It Began
Oh—they did get Dwight Howard. I blinked.
Well it doesn’t matter.
He has herniated discs and that stinks. Believe me, I have three of them.
It’s all irrelevant anyway because while I was writing this article, Dwight demanded Mike Brown be fired along with a trade. If the Lakers fail to comply he will retire.
Where Is the World Is Phil Jackson?
Is it still over?
Are we still through?
Since my phone still aint ringing
I assume it still ain’t you…
< Gotta love Randy Travis. >
And as a reminder, when you read anything I put out let me tell you, it will only be the truth. The naked truth.
The Rest of the Story
Can you name this man?
Good for you.
Can you name anyone else on the Laker bench?
Well neither can anybody else.
OK, so they signed Antawn Jamison. Well Mark Cuban got rid of him too. So there. End of story.
The Lakers Cannot Win Without Lamar Odom
When was the last time the Lakers won a ring without Lamar Odom? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Lamar got dissed by the Lakers and he sure showed them when he lit it up for the Mavericks. I mean, he was the best thing to happen to the Mavericks since the common cold.
Now he’s headed back to L.A. but he won’t be donning the purple and gold. There has to be some serious joojoo that comes from playing for another team in the same arena as the one who dumped you. I have no doubt he is going to be in there with a little doll which looks like Mitch Kupchak poking it with a pin. And you can forget about the distractions of a reality show—that’s history and he is focused.
The Kardashians of course will be back in full force in L.A., peddling their mighty influence against the Lakers while supporting their crosstown rivals. I’m sure everyone will be sporting the Kardashian’s new line of eyewear and those previously Laker faithful will not be able to control the urge to change their loyalties.
At the End of the Day
As Americans, most of us have a sense of fairplay. Unfortunately some teams seem to defy the rules and manage to put out contenders year after year. That’s why we hate them.
I’m not a Laker fan, nor do I play one on TV. I am very disturbed that Steve Nash, one of my favorite players, is donning the purple and gold. I am also disturbed that Lamar Odom didn’t return to the Lakers so I could boo them even louder. Actually, I’m just disturbed.
It’s just a few short weeks the Laker’s have gone from a middle-of-the-pack playoff team to a legitimate contender to the presumptive favorite to win a title. All the rest of us can do is sit around and try to think of ways to beat them.
Remember though, Dwight may be a free agent again in 2013—if he hasn’t retired.
I’m serious—but if you want to get all technical, check back tomorrow for our Mavs-Lakers preview.